


Stay Alive Tonight

by ValentineRevenge



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cutting, Destruction, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 22:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineRevenge/pseuds/ValentineRevenge





	1. Chapter 1

Brendon, Spencer, and Jon were worried about Ryan. He hadn't been acting like himself recently. He was getting more withdrawn. Brendon was particularly worried. After all, he and Ryan had been best friends from the time they were little kids. And if something was bugging Ryan to the point that he wouldn't tell Brendon about it, it had to be something bad. Really bad.  
  
In addition, whenever the boys went out to eat, Ryan always stayed at home, politely declining, and saying he wasn't hungry. In addition to this un-Ryan behavior, he had started wearing long sleeves, mostly sweatshirts. There was only one problem with that though. It wasn't winter, it was just starting to get into summer, with the temperatures rising to over 90* Farenheight with humidity.This was deffinitely not sweatshirt weather.   
  
Brendon reflected on this as he waited on the street corner for the rest of the boys. He was hot even though he was wearing only a thin T-shirt, and a pair of tight skinny jeans, with the knees ripped to shreds. Get your mind out of the gutter, my lovelies. They did not come from what you were thinking of. They were originally slightly ripped when he bought them, and they got to the stage they were at through too many falls off a skateboard.  
  
Yet I digress! Back to the present time! Brendon stood on the street corner, wishing the guys would hurry up. But then again, he was there early. He had learned to set his clock 5 minutes fast to give himself enough time to not be late. In a way, it worked.But on days like this, he regretted it.It made hime wait out in the sun when the others had more time in the A/C. I'll give it 5 more minutes, then I'm leaving. He thought, looking at his watch. 9:13 in the morning and it was already hotter than an oven. Where were the others?   
  
Presently, Jon and Spencer came walking down the street. As usual, they were cheerful, almost to the point of insanity. They walked up to Brendon and gave him a hug, which ended up turning into an awkward group hug, as both of them wanted to hug him before the other. Brendon squeaked at being attacked like this.  
  
Noticing that Ryan wasn't among his attackers, he asked, "Where's Ry?"Jon looked confused and said, "We thought he was with you, and went inside to get some A/C or something.""Well he's not with me, and he's not with you guys. Where is he?" Brendon asked, with more than a little worry seeping into his voice.  
  
Just then, Ryan came up the street, wearing a sweatshirt, head down, seeming to not look where he was going. "Ryan!" Brendon shouted, causing the former to jump more than a little. Something was definitely making him jumpy. And this time, they couldn't even attribute it to pre-show jitters. It was more than that.  
  
And was it just Brendon, or was Ryan looking even skinnier than normal?Ryan walked over to the three slowly, avoiding eye-contact. Brendon looked at him a little closer. He did look skinnier, and his skin was that of someone who had not seen the sunlight properly in a while. But he looked tired, and had huge circles under his bloodshot eyes. To top this whole look of sorrow and misery, his eyeliner (or guyliner, if you'll excuse me) was running. Not in the "its humid and I'm sweating so much that nothing can stay on my face" kind of running, but the "I've just been crying for a few hours" kind of running, supported by his reddened eyes. Whether they were this way through lack of sleep, or through crying, Brendon couldn't tell.  
  
He was willing to take a bet on a mix of the two however.Ryan was now close enough to them that they could touch him without taking more than a step or two. Jon and Spencer said hello cordially and Spencer gave Ryan a hug lightly, scared to crush him. When Jon gave him a hug, he barely touched Ryan, fearing that he would accidentally break him. Brendon gave him a quick hug as well, and could have sworn he felt every single rib and vertebrae through Ry's sweatshirt. "You okay Ry?" Brendon asked him concernedly. Ryan just nodded, seeming to drift out of it again. "Ok, come on guys, let's go get something to eat before we start running around town like the maniacs we all know we are." Spencer said, starting to walk down the sidewalk. Jon followed shortly behind. Brendon took Ryan's arm lightly and started walking, keeping the skinny one close. Bren was worried that his friend might collapse at any minute. He looked the part alright. He just hoped that it wouldn't happen. However, should it, he already had a hand on him, so hopefully he wouldn't go too far before he could be caught.  
  
"So where are we headed off to?" Brendon asked the leading duo. Jon put his head to the side for a moment before calling back, "Brenny, you have as much idea of that as I do. Spence?" he asked, turning to the boy he was walking next to.  
  
"I have no idea either. Ry?" Spencer asked, passing the question. It seemed like an odd game of hot potato the way it was moving. "Uh, I'm not all that hungry guys." Ryan replied quietly, somewhat embarrassed at having the question thrown to him, and having to reply. However, Brendon sensed something was up.  
  
"So what was this magical filling breakfast that our RyRo ate this morning to leave him so full?" Brendon asked, mildly teasing. Ryan blushed at this, and replied, "Um, not that much. I guess I don't have much of an appetite."  
  
"Seriously Ry, you're turning into Marvin the Skeleton. You need to eat more. Hell, we won't judge you for eating like a pig. Everyone eats like a pig at one point in their lives or another." Jon said, turning to face the younger one.  
  
"It's okay really, I'm not that skinny..." Ryan said, trailing off and trying to avoid the bassist's stare. "Don't bullshit me Ross! You're nothing but skin and bones! Now tell me the damn truth. What did you have for breakfast this morning?!?" Jon said angrily. It was rare for him to get this ticked at anything, especially someone he normally cared so much about.  
  
Ryan looked like he was about to start crying. "N-Nothing." He choked out, letting a tear slip out of the corner of his eye. Brendon saw this, and wrapped his arms around the other, pulling him into a tight hug, and saying, "Shh Ryan. It's gonna be alright." Jon saw that Ryan was crying, and said, "I didn't mean to be that harsh, but I'm worried about you. We all are. You haven't seemed yourself recently."  
  
Jon walked forward and wrapped his arms around the combination of Ryan and Brendon. Spencer joined this impromptu group hug. All 4 of the Panic! At The Disco members stood on the sidewalk, in a huge group hug, with the crying one at the middle.  
  
It was 9:23 AM.   
  
The group stood there for about 5 minutes. They were silent except for Ryan's occasional sob, which were growing softer and farther spaced by the moment. After he had quieted, the group broke apart. "You okay now Ryan?" Spencer asked. Ryan gulped and nodded his head slightly. Jon walked up to him and wiped away his tears with a tissue. The tissue had turned gray. Eyeliner overload, it seemed to be.  
  
"Okay, we're not helping Ry when we're just standing here on the street corner. Let's go get this bag of bones something to eat!" Brendon said, grabbing Ryan's arm gently and starting back walking. Jon and Spencer had to run a few steps to get back to their place in front of the duo. "Yeah, that brings us back to our original question. Where are we going?" Jon asked.  
  
"Donno" was the consecutive replies from both Brendon and Spencer. "so that leaves you, Ryan. What do you feel like?" Jon asked. Ryan shrugged and said, "Depressed a little. Miserable in general."  
  
Spencer rolled his eyes and said, "Jon, you damn Nimrod! You should have asked, 'What do you feel like eating', not 'what do you feel like', cause asking what someone feels like means how are they feeling." Jon elbowed him sharply in the ribs, eliciting a yelp like that of a dog whose foot has been stepped upon.  
  
"So, RyRo, what do you feel like eating?" Brendon asked, putting emphasis on the eating, so that way neither Jon nor Spencer could complain about it. Ryan thought for a moment, and said, "Uh, how about pancakes and milkshakes?"  
  
"Perfect!" Brendon shouted, and clapped his hands. Spencer gave an award-worthy eye roll, and said geeze, your mothers really didn't teach you about healthy eating, did she? You're not supposed to have milkshakes before it's 10 in the morning!"  
  
Jon sighed and said, "I agree with them. It makes perfect sense. It's too hot anyways!" But Spencer refused to be defeated in his quest for healthy eating, and stopped, putting his hand on his hip. "I don't care how hot it is, you're not supposed to have milkshakes, of all things, with breakfast! Plain milk is more than good enough. If you;re picky, then chocolate or soy milk, or skim, or whole milk. Whatever lifts your luggage! But never ice cream, or milkshakes! Who taught you that it was okay? Huh?"  
  
"Hey, it might be the only thing that Ryan wants to eat today. So deal with it!" Brendon said, petting Ryan on the head slightly and asking, "Isn't that right Ryan?"  
  
Jon rolled his eyes at the antics of Brendon the Disney Addict, and said, "When did you become our mother? Seriously, I'd like to know when you cut it off to trade it in for a ouch!" he was cut short by getting a punch to the stomach courtesy of one Spencer Smith.   
  
"So everyone agree on pancakes and milkshakes?" Brendon asked. Ryan nodded, and Jon gave a strange little noise that Brendon was going to assume was saying okay. Spencer just rolled his eyes and said, "Don;t come crying to me when you get all bogged down by health problems!"  
  
Jon straightened up and gave Spencer a glare, then started walking. Spencer walked slightly behind him, and Brendon and Ryan brought up the rear. Ryan squeaked out, "Jon?"  
  
Jon called back to him, "Yeah, Ry?" Ryan asked, "Where are we going?"  
  
Jon said, "Uh, Claire;s Diner. They're just about the only ones open with milkshakes and pancakes at this hour within driving distance."  
  
Ryan just nodded and kept up his walking pace. They didn't talk anymore for the remainder of the walk to the diner. This took them a good 5 minutes. 5 minutes of silence. They turned the corner and it came into sight. The neon lights were turned off on account of it being broad daylight.   
  
Said sign was outlined in hot pink, the inside was plain white, and the writing on it was acid green. It might have looked like a bit of an eyesore from the day, but it was a beacon that showed everyone where it was in the night. That was one thing about being a business in Las Vegas. You had to have bright lights turned on at night, even if they were garish or color clashing. Otherwise, you would hardly get any customers, if you did at all, as they would all be drawn to the casinos and clubs and other establishments that had bright lights in the middle of the sweltering nights.   
  
The foursome kept walking, and behind the sign, the actual diner came into view. The walls were plain white, which made perfect sense in Las Vegas, where anything else would absorb heat. The rest of the color scheme, however was to match the sign. The awning was the same neonic acid green, but toned down a bit to paint colors. The door matched the awning, and the window frames were the same color. The sign on the roof said 'Claire's Diner' in the same shade of hot pink as did the sign. Color coordinated, if nothing else.   
  
In a window there was yet another neon sign, but this one was small, about a foot long, and 8 inches high. This one simply said 'Open' on it, in red lights. Through the window, it could be seen that the stools at the bar, and the booths were cushioned in a slightly darker green than the green used on the outside of the building. The table tops were just plain wood, and the bar was made of what looked to be the same material as that of counter-tops. The waitresses were wearing salmon pink uniforms. Ghastly as they were, at least it wasn't the unsightly hot pink of the sign.   
  
The kitchen was behind the bar, and you could see the metal surfaces and the pots and pans hanging from a bar between the bar and the kitchen itself. The cooks were in classic cook uniform, sans the tall white hats. Every so often, one of them would come up to the table between the bar and the kitchen and ring a bell. This cued a waitress to come and deliver it to one of the tables.   
  
Jon said, "Well, we're here." Brendon clapped happily at this announcement, silenced only by a glare from Spencer. Jon opened the door and walked inside, followed shortly by Brendon, who pretty much pranced inside. Ryan and Spencer split a _look_ and walked in after their prancing comrade.  
  
The quartet walked to the nearly the end of the diner, and chose a seat right under the A/C duct, following the orders of the sign that said, "seat yourself". This sign was plain black, but the writing on it was bright pink. A sort of chalkboard, similar to those that you see in restaurants, cafes, clubs, and that sort of place.  
  
A moment later, a waitress came over. She too was wearing that dreadful salmon pink uniform. Her red hair was pulled back into a pony-tail. (yes my lovelies, this girl's hair color is natural, not a dye. ^^) "Hey all, good morning. I'm Maggie, and I'll be your server this morning." She said, with a trace of a southern accent, and dropped 4 menus on the table, in the middle. The boys each pulled a menu in their respective direction. "Do you think you know what you want, or should I come back in a few minutes?" She asked.  
  
Brendon raised his hand like he was in grade school, and said, "pick me, pick me!" Spencer slapped his hand out of the air, and said, "just say it Brendon, don't wait to be called on, you damn moron." Brendon pouted at this reprimand, and whined, "But its rude to speak out of turn!" Maggie laughed at that, and pointed at Brendon with her pencil, and said "Er, Brendon is it? Your turn."  
  
Brendon stuck out his tongue at Spencer, before saying, "Ooh, I want pancakes, with chocolate chips, and whipped cream with a smiley face...and a strawberry milkshake please?" Maggie nodded, and said, "next?" Jon raised his hand quickly, before putting it back down, and saying, "I want a chocolate milkshake, and some plain pancakes please." Maggie nodded and wrote these things down, then said, "What about you two?", meaning the two who hadn't said anything thus far.  
  
Spencer looked at Ryan and said, "Ry, you wanna go first, or should I?", keeping perfectly within his politeness. Ryan mumbled something that might have just barely passed as 'you' if the listener was listening carefully and intently. (dammit ry! speak up! xD) Spencer said, "Ok. I'll take orange juice, scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast.. Ry, your turn."  
  
Ryan peeped up, "Er, vanilla milkshake, and french toast." Maggie said, "alright, you boys sit tight, and I'll be back with your food in a little." Shortly after she had departed, Spencer pursed his lips and glared indignantly at Ryan, before saying, "Ryan, you're not eating much. You're becoming almost anorexic on me. You should've ordered more than just the toast and a milkshake."  
  
Ryan looked saddened, and said, "Sorry Spencer. But I was kinda hoping that Brenny would be willing to share some of his pancakes with me." At this point, Brendon looked up, and gave his biggest cheesiest grin, and pulled Ryan into a one armed hug and said, "Of course I'm going to share with RyRo. I don't want him to disappear into thin air on me." Spencer sighed, and said, "Ok Ryan. You and Brendon win this time. But you are going to eat. And you are not going to throw up or anything after you do."  
  
Jon asked, "But, er...what if he gets sick or something, and has to throw up?" Spencer glared at his seat partner and said, "That's ok, but I don't want him o intentionally throw up. As in stick his hand down his throat kind of throwing up." Jon nodded, not wanting to cause any further complaints out of Spencer. Brendon opened one of the packets with a knife and fork in it, before asking out loud, "Hey, guys... why is it that there's no metal sporks?"

  
Spencer sighed, and hit Brendon over the head with a menu. “Enough foolishness.” , he said, before continuing on to say, “You’re 18. Eight- _fucking_ -teen! You need to act somewhat mature. You’re not a little kid anymore!” Brendon looked a bit miserable at this. He was always being told to grow up. “Hey. Brenny was just trying to cheer me up…” Ryan said, sounding almost like he would give up at the first sign of resistance against him. Spencer rolled his eyes and sat back against the seat. Brendon was rubbing his head where the menu had smacked him. “Come on Brendon, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Drama queen.” Spencer muttered under his breath. Some days he wondered how did he put up with his bandmates. Some days, not even he knew. It was just that difficult to live with them.   
  
****_I hope they don’t know. I guess it’s too late for it to matter now. They’ve probably all found out. Hell, even now, they might be conspiring to drag me off to a shrink, or a crazy ward, or something. How do I know that they aren’t. There’s no guarantee. It’s all touch and go. But they most likely will if they find out exactly what I’m doing. Spencer and Jon are already insisting that I eat and don’t go sticking my hand down my throat. How can they come up with something like that? Unless they’ve found out, and just don’t want to let me know that they know it, until it’s too late for me to do anything about it. Like when they drag me off to the mental ward or something. I don’t want to go to the mental ward or the asylum or whatever the fuck that place is. It’s for the real psychos, not for someone who has mild problems. If you’re not crazy when you go in, by the time they’re done with you, you will be. I don’t want to be crazy. I don’t want to get put on meds, or have to see a shrink, or any of that other bullshit. I’m sane. I don’t belong in an asylum. Please don’t let them find out.  
_  
  
“Earth to Ryan!!” Jon said. Brendon was shaking him by the shoulders. “Huh? What? What happened?” Ryan asked, mildly confused. He was a bit scatter brained after that little bout of brainstorming and heavy thinking. He had gotten so into it that he didn’t even notice it when they had tried to talk to him. Was this bad? Not really. Ryan regarded them warily. “You were zoning out of it. Big time. You sure you’re okay?” Spencer asked. Now, there was nothing but concern for his friend. Ryan nodded slowly. “He’s probably just tired cause he doesn’t eat.” Jon said in annoyance. This resulted in death glares from both Spencer and Brendon. “Guys…” Ryan said weakly.   
  
“Hmmm?” Brendon asked. Ryan looked him in the eye, then looked away as if embarrassed. “Can I be honest with you on something?” he asked shyly. “Anything and everything. I don’t mind whatever it is that you have to say. Unless it was like you committed a murder and need our help evading the cops, or had a gay crush on one of us. Then it would be plain awkward.” Brendon said cheerfully. Spencer rolled his eyes at this. Of course, just because Ryan was a bit girly didn’t make him gay. It just made him girly. Girly with his vanilla deodorant.  
  
“Uh, I didn’t kill anyone. And I’m straight. At least, last time I checked I think I was straight. “ Ryan said, as if he regretted saying that he needed to talk to them. “Alright then, we’re on good ground. Unless….don’t tell me you’re planning suicide or something?!?” Brendon said, suddenly going into a spazzle mode.Ryan shook his head, and didn’t say anything further. “Well?” Brendon said, looking at him. Just then, Maggie came back with their drinks, and placed them in the middle of the table, along with four straws. Ryan didn’t move or say anything. “Look at me Ryan.” Brendon said, Ryan still didn’t move or say anything. Brendon gently grabbed his chin, and tilted his head up, so they were eye to eye. Ryan closed his eyes immediately. “Come on. Don’t do this. If you didn’t have anything to hide, you wouldn’t act like this.” Brendon said.Ryan peeked out of one eye. Brendon was still staring at him. In addition to Brendon, Jon and Spencer were also staring at him. Ryan squeaked, and tried to get his head back. Brendon refused to let go. “Tell us what you were going to say earlier. And don’t leave anything out.” he said. “Will you let me go if I do?” Ryan asked, automatically getting on the defensive side. “Maybe.” Brendon said. “Better start talking.” Spencer said, not moving his eyes from the two guys sitting across from him. “Jon was right.” Ryan blurted out. Brendon smiled, and said, “That wasn’t so hard to say, now was it?” Ryan nodded a bit. Jon gasped a bit, saying, “Come on Ry, I was being sarcastic, I didn’t really think that you were going to just quit eating out of the blue like that. You‘re too skinny to not eat.” Ryan looked at Jon out of the corner of his eye. “Tell me. When was the last time you ate?” Brendon asked.   
  
“Er, two days ago.” Ryan whispered. A single tear fell out of the corner of his eye. Brendon paid it no mind. “Why are you starving yourself?” Brendon asked, trying to hold his temper in check. A second tear joined the first one on its path down Ryan’s cheek. “I’m disgusting.” Ryan choked out, his voice starting to crack with the oncoming sobs. “Ryan. You’re not disgusting. Or fat. Or any of that. You’re a beautiful skinny boy who’s killing himself slowly and painfully in front of me.” Brendon said, using his other hand to pick up a napkin from the table. He brought it up to Ryan’s face. Ryan flinched, closing his eyes, and trying to pull away.“I’m not gonna hurt you.” Brendon murmured. He gently wiped the tears away from Ryan’s eyes, before letting go of his face, only to pull him into a tight hug. “You know you can tell me anything you need to.” Ryan hugged him back before saying, “I know.”   
  
“Alright guys, enough with it. We’re out in public. Break up the mushy gushy lovey-dovey stuff till you get somewhere private.” Spencer said. This concluded the hug. Brendon glared at Spencer, saying, “But I love hugs.” Spencer once again rolled his eyes, before asking, “So, Ryan, what were you saying?” Ryan looked at him confusedly. “About J-walk being right?” Spencer prompted. “Yeah, er, nothing.” Ryan said, as if dodging the question. “Come on, don’t lie to me this time. You meant something by it.” Spencer said, demanding an answer. “As I said, never mind it Spence.” Ryan said, keeping his gaze down. Maggie walked back, carrying a tray and their breakfasts on it. “Enjoy now.” She said, putting the meals down in front of their respective future eaters.  
  
Brendon pulled out his phone and fooled around with it a bit. Spencer and Jon tucked into their meals, any Ryan just poked at his toast. Spencer felt his phone vibrate a moment later. He checked it. There was one text message. It was from Brendon. “I’ll ask him about it later on today” it read. Spencer looked at Brendon, and caught his eye, and nodded.“Hey, Ryan, didn’t you say you wanted some of my pancakes earlier?” Brendon asked, trying to get his friend to eat something. Ryan looked up at him, and said, “Sure, but it has to have whipped cream and chocolate chips on mine.” Jon laughed at this, and said, “Wait, Ryan and Brendon are back to normal, except for the fact that they act like the other person.” Spencer hit Jon over the head with a menu. Jon rubbed his head in response, throwing a glare at his seat-mate.  
  
Brendon poked a pancake onto Ryan’s plate. Right on top of the toast. “Good going Brendon. Now poor Ryan has pancake in his toast.” Spencer chided. Ryan shrugged, and said, “It’s all gonna go in the same place. Right?” He seemed to be picking back up some of his old energy. The meal went on relatively well. They left after paying the bill. It was almost 10 A.M. On their way out, a waitress said, “Bye, come again soon.” Spencer replied with, “Bye, have a good day.” They walked out of the diner, and onto the street. “Where to now?” Spencer asked, wanting to have an itinerary for the day.

“Meet at the local movie place at 6 P.M. tonight?” Spencer asked. Ryan shrugged, and Brendon said “Yes!” ecstatically. Jon stood waiting. “Well, cya.” Brendon said to them, turning and halfway tugging poor little RyRo down the street behind him. Spencer and Jon went off in the opposite direction. “So what you feel like doing?” Brendon asked, hyper and happy to have Ryan to himself for this one. Ryan gave another shrug.   
  
Brendon looked at him in the eye, and asked, “Why aren’t you happy?” Ryan shrugged once again. Brendon said, “Don’t give me the silent treatment!” before he grabbed Ryan’s arm, and hauled him off to the prior’s house. When they got there, Ryan looked more tired than anything else. Brendon noticed, and said, “Come on, you can crash upstairs.” Ryan followed him up without a word.   
  
When they got there, Ryan curled up on Brendon’s bed. Right in the middle. “I’ll be back, okay?” Brendon asked, stepping out of the room for a minute. Ryan rolled up his sleeve for a moment, sighing sadly at what he saw. He pulled the sleeve back into place. If anything, he looked more dejected that anything else.   
  
Just then, Brendon walked back Into the room. He was holding something behind his back. Ryan looked at him curiously, and asked, “What do you have?” Brendon shook his head, acting like a five year old, and said, “No, you have to guess.” Ryan looked perplexed for a moment, before deciding to go along with Brendon’s childish persona and said, “Er…I donno. A spinach?” Brendon looked at Ryan curiously. “Now why would I have to hide a spinach?” he asked.   
  
Ryan shrugged again. “Come on, you were doing good.” Brendon whined, wanting someone to take part in his games. “Give me a hint?” Ryan asked, giving adorable puppy dog eyes. “Fine. Just cause it’s you.” Brendon said, before saying, “It’s shaped like a rectangle. And it‘s funny.” Ryan gave a little giggle, and asked, “Is it your brother’s journal?”   
  
Brendon shook his head sadly. “I wish!” he said. “Come on, its something we both like.” Ryan looked confused, before saying, “I give up. Just tell me? Pretty pretty please?” and batting his long eyelashes. Brendon sighed, and said, “It’s a movie silly. The corpse bride.”   
  
Ryan squeaked happily, before he asked, “Wait, aren’t we going to the movies with Spence and Jaywalk later?” Brendon nodded, but said, “I.D.G.A.F.” Ryan looked at him. “IDGAF? What’s that?” he asked puzzled. Brendon said, sounding for all the word like a little kid who had just learned the meaning of a new word, “I don’t give a fuck.”   
  
“Who taught you that?” Ryan asked, sounding like a mother who is ashamed that her young child picked up a disgusting word. Brendon gave a huge grin, before saying, “I accidentally intercepted a text from Jeffree.”   
  
“And who in the hell is Jeffree?” Ryan asked looking even more perplexed. Brendon looked like someone had just slapped him across the face. “Jeffree Star of course!” He squeaked out. Ryan nodded and then asked, “Hey is he that transvestite guy with so many tattoos and bright pink hair?” Brendon clapped his hands and said cheerfully, “Yup, he sure is!” Ryan looked Brendon over carefully, and then asked, “What are you doing hanging with him?” Brendon glared at Ryan and said, “He’s not all that conceited as you think he is. Now scoot it!”   
  
Ryan obliged, moving over to the other side of the bed and stealing one of Brendon’s pillows. Brendon put the DVD into the player, and grabbed the remotes, hopping up on the bed next to Ryan. “Ry?” Brendon asked before he hit play. “Hmmm?” Ryan asked, looking over at Brendon.   
  
“Take off your sweater.” Brendon said. Ryan looked at him like he was insane, and asked, “Why?” Brendon looked back at him in the same way, and said, “It might get a bit chilly here, but you don’t really need a jacket.” Ryan looked at him closely, trying to see if It was some kind of plot that they were hatching to catch him in the act.   
  
“Come on, there’s nothing to worry about.” Brendon said, scooting even closer to Ryan. Ryan tried to scoot away, but bumped into the wall. Brendon got even closer. Ryan was now trapped in the corner. “I’m not going to hurt you. I would never do something like that.” Brendon said, holding out his hand to Ryan. Ryan looked at it with slightly frightened eyes.   
  
Brendon moved back a little, so that Ryan could get out of the corner that he had gotten into, in case it made him feel more comfortable being in the open. Ryan was mostly likely thinking along the same lines, and scooted out from the corner, back into the middle of the bed. Brendon suddenly lunged at him, bringing him down.   
  
Ryan was now lying on his back on the bed, with Brendon on top of him. Brendon sat up, with his knees on either side of Ryan’s skinny waist. Ryan tried to get up sand shove Brendon off of him, but was prevented when Brendon grabbed his wrists. “What the hell?” Ryan asked, trying to squirm away.   
  
“It’s for your own good. So stop squirming.” Brendon said, trying to keep his temper. Ryan let a tear trickle out the corner of his eye. “Answer my questions, and I’ll let you go.” A second tear trailed after the first. “What did I do to deserve this?” Ryan sobbed out. “You’re acting self-destructive.” Brendon said, before turning the tables back on him, and asked, “Why do you insist on wearing sleeves all the time?”   
  
Ryan shook his head and refused to answer. “Tell me.” Brendon said. Ryan was holding completely still, slight sobs escaping, his head turned to the side, and tears sliding down his cheeks from under his eyelids. Brendon let go of Ryan’s arms for a moment, before taking his sweatshirt off.   
  
Ryan tried to fight back, though weakly. “Holy…” Brendon said, trailing off. The sight he saw was too awful for him to describe fully in words. Ryan’s arms were covered in cuts. The majority of them looked deep. The ones that Brendon got really scared by were on Ryan’s wrists, right where they bent at the hand. Those looked like an honest attempt at slitting his own wrists.   
  
“What have you been doing to yourself?” Brendon asked, but more gently. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’m not good enough for anyone.” Ryan choked out, crying even more. Tears were spilling so fast now. Ryan’s cheeks were smudged with gray. “Shhhh…..” Brendon said, grabbing a tissue and wiping everything away. Then, he put a light kiss on Ryan’s lips.   
  
He got off Ryan, and pulled him over. Brendon grabbed a pillow, and dropped it in his lap, before Ryan put his head there. Then, Brendon put the blanket over Ryan gently. “You okay now?” Ryan nodded a little. Brendon patted him on the head, rumpling his hair.   
  
Brendon hit play. Half-way through the movie, he asked Ryan, “Ry? How long?” Ryan looked up at him with his huge eyes, and said, “11 years. But it gets better and worse sometimes.” Brendon asked one other question, hoping he wouldn’t push him too far, and asked, “Why didn’t you ever tell me? I would’ve helped you.” Ryan snuggled closer, and said, “I didn’t want to worry you.”   
  
Brendon sighed, and said, “Ryan, you worry me more when you don’t say anything. Because if you don’t say anything, I can’t help as thoroughly as I want to.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

After the movie was done, Ryan quietly switched off the screen. Brendon was asleep on the bed. He then grabbed up his jacket, and walked into the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, and switching on the light, he noted that he was alone. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a tiny box. It looked like one that you would use to hold the lead refills for the mechanical pencils.  
  
But inside, instead of lead, was the sharp, cold edge of a razorblade that looked like it came from a pencil sharpener. It didn’t have that rusted over look that some of them did. Even though it was tiny, it could do some real damage, as seen by Ryan’s arms. The only things that it had nothing to do with was the cuts on his wrists. Those had been made by a rather large kitchen knife.   
  
Ryan slowly opened the box’s top, and slid the blade out onto his palm. It glinted in the light coming from overhead. He put the plastic container down on the countertop, and stood with his left arm out over the sink. There was more space on his arm for what he needed to do.   
  
Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he took off his jacket, and left it hanging on the towel rack. Brendon and the others would surely know what it was if he came along with blood or dried blood on his sleeve. Damn it, he’d picked a gray sweater this morning. He picked up the blade, and carved something into the top of his arm. It wasn’t all that deep. It was barely scratches. But it was enough to make sure that it would probably be there for the rest of his life, or the greater part of it, at any rate. 5 simple little letters. They were jagged, square-ish, and a bit crooked, but they were readable nonetheless. It would serve his purpose just fine. S-O-R-R-Y  
  
Grabbing a piece of toilet paper, Ryan pressed it over the wounds. It filled up with blood after a minute or so. The cuts were already starting to scab over. _I’m sorry for making you worry Brendon. Sorry for making you sad. Sorry for making you feel helpless. Sorry for making everyone else hurt. Sorry that I was never much in life. Sorry. So sorry._  
  
Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Brendon woke up, not seeing Ryan next to him. He quickly texted Spencer, saying, **We need 2 tlk wen u get 2 theater**. Ryan pulled on his jacket, and walked out of the bathroom he was in, and back to Brendon’s room. Yes, he could have used the one en suite, but he was afraid Brendon might walk in on him or something. “Hey.” Brendon said when he walked back in.   
  
Ryan smiled at him. “Where were you?” Brendon asked. Ryan’s smile faltered slightly. “Bathroom.” he said, determined not to give away more information than necessary. “So why didn’t you use the one here?” was the only reply.   
  
Ryan quickly said, “Didn’t know if you would need to use it when you got up.” Brendon said, “Okay”, before he scooted over on the bed. There was a large space left behind that Ryan could easily fit his slim form into. Sensing this, Ryan hopped up, curling into Brendon’s side. “What time do we leave?”  
  
Brendon pulled a blanket over Ryan, and wrapped his arm around him, before saying, “About 5? You can get some sleep. You look like you haven’t had any rest in ages. I’ll wake you up in time.” Ryan gave a sleepy smile, and said, “Thanks Brenny.” before he drifted off into sleep.   
  
A text came back from Spencer. **bout wat** it read. Brendon gave a slight sigh, and returned back, **RyRo told me sumthin rlly bad not murder tho**. Flipping his phone shut, he closed his eyes, and waited for sleep to take him. Before that could happen, another text came back. **he told the truth?**   
  
Brendon rolled his eyes, before returning, **ya, 2 imprtnt 2 tel thru txt c u there call me & wake me @ 1** After sending this message, there were no more coming from Spencer. So Brendon closed his eyes and fell asleep momentarily.   
  
Meanwhile, Spencer and Jon were in the formers house, drinking coffee. They were discussing things, the latest in the line being RyRo. “But I just don’t get it…” Jon was saying. He didn’t mind the fact that Spencer had been texting Brendon for a few minutes. Because it was on topic, and it helped them to prepare what was going to happen later.   
  
“I don’t get it either J-Walk.” Spencer said, taking a sip of his coffee. It was still hot enough to burn his mouth. “Think Brendon can confirm our fears?” Jon asked, blowing at his own coffee. Spencer looked up at him, and caught his eye. They stared at each other for a minute, before Spencer said, “Probably. But I hope that he doesn’t.” Jon nodded and said, “I agree.”   
  
Spencer shifted slightly in his chair, before opening his mouth again. “There’s a chance that Ryan’s worse than we thought.” Jon looked panicked, and asked, “ _Is_ he??” Spencer shrugged and said, “Don’t know. Only Brendon knows. And I don’t think even he knows all of it. He might just know some of it. What RyRo _chooses_ to tell him. But the only up-side to this whole mess is that once it’s out in the open, we can help. But if it stays hidden, there’s almost nothing we can do.”  
  
Jon took a gulp of coffee, and set the mug back on the table. He felt helpless when he didn’t know enough information. “But we can talk to him tonight after the movie…right?” he asked. Spencer looked confused and said, “Talk to Brendon? He already said he needed to have a word with us about Ryan.”   
  
Jon shook his head, before he said, “I know about Brendon. I’m asking if we can talk to Ryan after we talk to Brendon.” Spencer nodded, and then said, “You’re right. We should do that. But only if Ryan _wants us_ to talk to him about that. After all, there are two sides to every story.” there went Spencer again, the ever-present wise old man.   
  
“So we call them at 1 to wake them up?” Jon asked, getting his details straight in his head. Spencer nodded. Outside, the wind picked up slightly. In the far distance, thunder rumbled.   
  
“Great. So we have a good chance of getting rained on!” Jon said, spazzing slightly, before he took another great gulp of coffee. Spencer looked at him amusedly, before saying, “No shit Sherlock.”   
  
Jon glared at him, before saying, “Firstly my name is Jon, not Sherlock. Sherlock was this great fictional detective created by this dude, I forget his name, but what the fuck. He had a sidekick named Watson. I on the other hand, am Jon Walker, oft called J-Walk by my friends for no apparent reason. I am nothing close to a detective. In fact, the only thing I do is play bass for some lousy little group out of Las Vegas called “Panic! At The Disco”. What kind of a name is that to begin with? And it’s ’No shit, Sherlock’. There’s a comma there. Cause Sherlock isn’t constipated!”   
  
Spencer sighed, and said, “You _are_ a detective, Jay Walk.” Jon sputtered even more ticked off, “Am _not_!!!” Spencer took a long sip of coffee, before facing his bandmate once again. “Yes, you _are_ ” he said.   
  
“I’m not a detective!” Jon said, trying to avoid shouting in the cramped confines of Spencer’s small kitchen. “So looking into this issue with our beloved RyRo does not put you in a position for discovering things to solve a mystery?” Spencer asked, amused at the stupidity of some people on occasion. “Oh. Yeah…” Jon said, flushing redder than a tomato that was fully ripe and ready to be made into ketchup.   
  
Spencer rolled his eyes, before returning his attention to his neglected cup of coffee that was slowly nearing room temperature. Jon thought that it would be appropriate that he did that as to avoid making an ass out of himself even further.

 


	3. Chapter 3

At 12:45, Spencer started calling Brendon. Brendon woke up, and later poked at Ryan. Then, they went about their business. Spencer and Jon had a plan formulated for later on that day. A plan to confront Ryan and get to the bottom of this mess. They had others in on it as well. So they’d probably have ample help.   
  
  
After the movie was done, it was nearly dark. The sun was setting, casting its fading glow over everything. The shadows were long. Spencer said, “How about everyone comes back over to my house for a while? I heard on the news that there was a chance that there was rain tonight. Besides, I wouldn’t feel okay letting you guys walk home by yourselves with all the crime and stuff going on around here.” Jon nodded and said, “Sure, yours is closest anyways. And if it comes down to it, we can all steal a pair of your sleeping pants.” Spencer rolled his eyes and asked, “Brendon? Ryan? What about you guys?” Brendon clapped his hands and said, “Of course I wanna join the pajama party!”   
  
Spencer looked over to Ryan. That’s what this whole plan was for. If he didn’t agree, they were all pretty much screwed. Ryan shrugged and said, “Okay.” Brendon clapped his hands once again, and linked his arms with Ryan on the left, Jon on the right. To complete this look of insanity, and to go along with it, Jon linked his arms with Spencer. Just then, who should see them, but a certain pink-haired transvestite named Jeffree Star? Walking up to them with a walk worthy of only a drag queen, or a fashion model. It was pretty impressive if you considered it, as not that many people can walk around a Vegas street like that with high heels on. Jon’s eyes bugged out when he saw who was walking towards them. He gaped like a dying fish. Spencer punched his arm and said, “No matter what they look like to you, you mustn’t stare. For all we know, you could look the same to him!”   
  
Just then, the drag queen sauntered up to them, hugging Brendon and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “Heyy bitches” he said. “Uh, I’m not a bitch.” Ryan said confusedly. Brendon smiled and said, “That’s right, you’re not _a_ bitch, you’re _my_ bitch.” Ryan stared up at him with puppy dog eyes. Brendon tousled his hair a bit, earning him a glare from the clingy. “Er, neither am I” Jon said, a bit late, but WTF. “Puh-lease! With the way you act, there’s no way you _aren’t_ ” Jeffree said, hugging a scared Ryan, who let out a squeak. “How cute. It squeaks.” Jeffree said with a smirk. Ryan glared at him again, and said, “I’m a he, not an it!” Jeffree looked at him with indignation, before replying, “Of course you are. You’re Brendon’s little emo bitch.” Ryan looked like he had been hit with something. Jeffree walked past him, slapping his ass on the way. This caused Ryan to let out a high-pitched squeaking noise, and hide behind Brendon. Brendon stepped away, and grabbed his hand, so that way the emo couldn’t run away.   
  
Jon attempted to hide behind Spencer. Spencer gave a sigh, and stepped away, so that a crouching Jon was revealed. Jeffree gave a chuckle. “No need to hide from me. I don’t bite. I suck.” Spencer raised his eyebrows. Ryan went white, and nearly crushed Brendon’s hand. Brendon let out a panicked squeakle. Jon took a nervous step backwards and nearly tripped over his own two feet. Walking away with a look of mild amusement on his face, Jeffree gave Spencer a hug, and asked, “When are we headed back to your place?”   
  
Jon groaned, and Ryan squished Brendon’s hand even more. Brendon let out another squeakle. Spencer raised his eyebrows, and said, “Right now. If you feel like coming with us, fine, just try not to scare everyone else out of their minds.” Jeffree was the one who now looked like he had been hit with a frying pan. “Why would I _choose_ to frighten anyone?”   
  
Spencer gave a slight giggle, and then said, “I think they’re afraid of gays. No offense intended. I just guess they think that all of them are trying to get into their pants.” Jeffree rolled his eyes and then said, “They’ll be fine, unless they go asking for it. Or they drop the soap.” Ryan squeaked loudly, causing many people to stop and stare at him. “Huh! RyRo! Seriously. You’re just making an ass out of yourself right now. Now lets get back to Spence’s place before you get the cops over here, thinking that we‘re trying to kidnap you or something.” Brendon said, using Ryan’s firm grip on his hand to drag him down the street. Ryan was only too happy to comply. Jon, Spencer, and Jeffree walked along behind them. Jeffree wouldn’t STFU, thank you very much! His mouth sounded like it had a fast, high powered motor attached to it. Like maybe a jet engine or something, as well as a microphone.   
  
Ryan kept a firm grip on Brendon’s hand all the way up the street. Just then, a guy walking past saw them. “Fags!” He shouted. Jeffree pulled out a stun gun thing, and started buzzing it, yelling “Huh bitch? What did you say bitch?” The guy walked off, declining to say anything. Jeffree kept it up, eventually stopping the buzzing and shouting with, “Oh yeah! Take that bitch! That’ll teach you to call us fags!” Spencer and Jon refused to say a single thing. Ryan and Brendon decided to take the similar path.   
  
Presently, without further incidents, they arrived at Spencer’s house, and trooped upstairs. Jeffree was complaining about something else this time. Probably his fake eyelashes sticking to his eyes. Everyone went to Spencer’s bedroom. Brendon got upstairs first, and started going through Spencer’s drawers, eventually coming up with a pair of sleeping pants, and an old T-shirt. Spencer saw this when he walked in and said, “Ahem!” Brendon looked up and said, “Bless you!” before he started stripping there, and changing into his (Spencer’s) pajamas. Spencer rolled his eyes and said, “I didn‘t sneeze so don‘t bless me.” Ryan blushed, realizing that he had been staring at his friend. “You don’t need to be embarrassed to be staring at him. He has a sexy body.” Jeffree said, seeing Ryan’s face. This of course only provoked the band’s pet emo to blush even more than he already was. Everyone had a little laugh about it.   
  
Jon ran up to Spencer’s dresser the moment Brendon had moved away, taking his shed clothing with him. Jon plucked out something at random, and did the same as Brendon. This caused Ryan to look like he was burning up. “What’s wrong RyRo? We’re all guys here. We all have a dick. Even if we hide it below a skirt or a dress.” Spencer said, trying not to laugh. Jeffree nodded his agreement, before adding, “There’s nothing wrong with showing off your body if it’s sexy. And there’s nothing wrong with staring at someone with a great body, even if they _are_ your best friend whom you’ve known since kindergarten.”   
  
Spencer hopped out of his clothes, and into something that he had pulled from the dresser. “Am I welcome to stay the night?” Jeffree asked. “Sure, once you don’t try to do anything with us against our will.” Spencer said. Jeffree said, “Great!” before he too hopped out of his street clothes and into something he stole out of Spencer’s drawer. Now, only Ryan was left in his street clothes. Ryan picked out something from the drawer, and walked to the bathroom with them. “Hey. Where are you headed off to?” Spencer asked. “Bathroom. Need to pee.” Ryan replied, getting there and shutting the door. He locked it behind him.   
  
Ryan stripped off his pants, taking out the tiny plastic case from the pocket. He opened it, sliding the blade into his palm once again. As before, it glinted dully in the light from the above fixture. He made some cuts into his upper thigh. They bled a little, but they really stung him.   
  
He then changed into his borrowed pajamas. There was only one problem. The shirt was a short sleeved. Same thing with the one he was wearing under his sweater. He shrugged, and put the sweater over the P.J. top. Looking around the bathroom, he saw very little out of place. His clothes and the case for the razor. The blade was there too. Picking up the blade, he put it back into the case, and slipped it into the pocket of the pants he borrowed. He walked out of the bathroom, clothing in hand, and back to Spencer’s room.   
  
  
The four of them were still there. Brendon had taken up residence on the bed. Jon was sitting in a green bean-bag chair that had been pulled next to the bed. Spencer sat in a blue bean-bag chair that almost mirrored the one that Jon was sitting in. Jeffree was sitting across from the bed in a red bean-bag chair. It was as close to pink as he could get. They formed a rough circle. There was the yellow bean-bag chair in the middle of this circle. Ryan stood at the door silently, still holding onto his clothes. He was watching the group. They did nothing unusual. But it wouldn’t hurt to observe before he jumped right in. Correct or not?  
  
Looking up, Brendon saw him. “Ryan, come on, don’t be shy. Join us.” he said. Ryan took a tentative step in the room. The atmosphere had changed since he had stepped into the room. It was one of seriousness now. And quite frankly, it scared him very much. “Why are you wearing a jacket over your pajamas? It’s rather pleasant in here.” Spencer said. Ryan looked at him before replying, “Because I get cold easily.” They were on to him now. He could feel it. “It’s not going to dip below 75” Jon said. None of them got up. Ryan bit his lip. There was no way that they’d found out. There couldn’t be. Brendon wouldn’t tell something like that. Not after he had begged him to keep it between the two of them. Or would he have told them? Or had the others figured it out so now they were going to confront him about it? Did Brendon even have any part in this?  
  
“Come on, get over here.” Spencer said. Ryan took a few steps over in that direction, putting his clothing down in a neat little pile on the floor. He then took a few more steps towards the group. At this point, Jeffree lost his patience. He got up, and walked over to where Ryan stood, quivering. Grabbing Ryan’s arm, Jeffree led him back to the center of the group. Ryan tried to pull his arm free. Jon got up and closed the door. Hopefully just seeing the door closed might discourage him from trying to run away.   
  
Standing in the middle of the group, Ryan felt extremely self-conscious. There had to be a good reason why he was here. Brendon refused to meet his eyes. That was a bad sign alright. He squirmed a bit. Jeffree resumed his seat. Ryan went to leave the circle, but was stopped when Spencer said, “Don’t.” Jon skittered back across the floor to his seat. “Take off your jacket.” Jon said. “No.” Ryan said, shaking his head. Spencer sighed and said, “Fine then. Roll up your sleeves.” Ryan took a step back, nearly tripping over the bean-bag in the process, and said, “No.”   
  
“Come on, you have to meet us halfway on this one. Or we’ll do it for you.” Jon said. Brendon still hadn’t said a single word. “No. You can’t do that.” Ryan said. He took another step backwards, and bumped into the bed, falling. He fell onto Brendon’s lap. He tried to get off, but Brendon had a firm grip around his mid-section. Ryan squirmed and said, “Let go!” Brendon smirked and said, “No. This is what you get.” Ryan tried to peel Brendon’s arms off of him. It worked. But before he could get to his feet, Brendon had grabbed him again.   
  
It was an awkward sight. Ryan was on the floor in front of Brendon on his knees. Brendon was on the bed, holding Ryan’s wrists above his head. Ryan squirmed against the hold Brendon had on him. Brendon didn’t let go. Ryan Ross was weakened from not eating much, and everything else that went along with it. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.” Jon said.   
  
Spencer got off his seat, and half sat on Ryan’s lap, trying not to squash him. He undid the buttons to Ryan’s jacket. Brendon let go of Ryan’s arm the minute Spencer finished the last button. Before Ryan could even consider making a break for it, Spencer and Brendon were pulling the sleeves off of his arms, laying bare all the cuts, old and new, scars and barely began to heal for all to see. Ryan let out a sob, and collapsed into a tiny ball. “Holy fuck.” Jon breathed. Spencer’s eyes grew wide when he saw the amount of cuts, especially the ones on Ryan’s wrists. The ones that looked like they were part of a suicide. Jeffree let out a gasp as he saw the carnage that was revealed. “Ry?” Brendon asked. Ryan let out a single noise that sounded like a sob. Everything he had worked so hard to hide was suddenly revealed to everyone. It seemed like he had just broken down. There was no telling what he would do now.   
  
Spencer gently sat him in the chair in the middle of the group. Ryan curled back into a tinier ball than before. He let out another sob. The tears were falling freely from his eyes. Brendon grabbed a tissue, and wiped them away. Ryan swatted at his hand weakly. More tears followed the ones that had just been removed. “Ryan, we need to talk.” Spencer said softly.

Ryan shook his head, starting to sob helplessly. There was no way three of his best friends would consider doing this to him. It was just illogical. As careful as he had been, he just hadn't been careful enough. He cursed himself for it mentally. He had never done anything in his life right. This was just one more thing that he had messed up at.   
  
Those depressing thoughts ran through his head a mile a minute. Not for the first time, he considered suicide. He was already planning it, when he heard Jon's voice, bringing him out of it, saying, "Ryan, if you're thinking of suicide right now, you better stop it." Ryan looked up with a look of shock. He didn't think Jon would be that clarivoyant. But it appeared he was.  
  
"Were you?" Spencer asked, worriedly. Ryan nodded slowly, tears starting to pour from his eyes. Jeffree hopped up, and grabbed a box of tissues, returning to wipe away all the tears and the eye make-up that had started sliding down his face in a cascade of black and mixed colors. Ryan let him, breathing quickly and shallowly, like a small frightened animal.   
  
When Brendon gently rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder, the latter let out a loud squeak, nearly jumping off the bean bag he was seated on. "It's okay Ryan. How about we go downstairs and get some coffee for everyone?" Brendon said, trying to keep Ryan from jumping out of his skin. Ryan nodded once. Brendon responded by grabbing a blanket off the bed. It was small, and slightly thin, but it was one that made sure it kept the user very warm. In this, he wrapped up Ryan. Ryan didn't protest, or even move. Brendon had to move him.   
  
In all honesty, it scared Brendon, to have his best friend this unresponsive. It was like wrapping a blanket around a piece of meat. A piece of cold, breathing meat. It was a scary thing indeed. For all Brendon knew, this could be some robot who had taken the place of his beloved Ryan. There was nothing that told him that Ryan hadn't suffered some serious mental breakdown. Nothing to tell Brendon that Ryan wasn't brain-dead. Nothing to tell him that Ryan was ok, that he was sane. Nothing to say that Ryan was aware of his surroundings. Brendon picked up the unresponsive Ryan bridal style, and carried him downstairs.  
  
Ryan had a dead-pan stare, straight ahead, not looking to the right or the left. He barely blinked at all. His eyes seemed unfocused. They had the look of a cheap, run-down, uncared for hotel room for rent. Getting downstairs and into the kitchen, Brendon gently rested Ryan down on the counter, away from the block of wood holding the kitchen knives. Ryan didn't seem to notice, nor did he seem to care that he was sitting down on the counter.  
  
Brendon thought for a moment, picking up the block of wood which held the majority of Spencer's kitchen knives, and moved it even further from Ryan, placing them in the cabinet over the fridge. For him to reach this, he had to climb up onto the counter. He glanced over at Ryan. He didn't seem to notice, or even to care. A single tear made its slow path down from the corner of his left eye, and down his cheek. Brendon grabbed up a paper towel, and wiped it away. Ryan didn't even blink, despite the fact that the paper towl came very close to his eye.  
  
Brendon sighed, and tossed the soiled paper towel away. He walked back over to where Ryan was, and gently grasped his chin, lifting his head so they were eye-to-eye. Ryan didn't seem to register that he was staring his best friend straight in the eye, nor did he seem to care. He blinked once. He didn't even flinch away from the hand holding onto his chin.  
  
"Ryan? Talk to me. Please." Brendon whispered. Ryan said nothing, blinking once, slowly. Brendon let go of his chin, only to pull him into a tight hug, dropping his head onto his shoulder. Ryan didn't wrap his arms around Brendon. He just sat there on the kitchen counter, with Brendon's head on his shoulder, feeling nothing it seemed, He was too far inside his head to be reached. Brendon whispered into Ryan's ear, "Please Ryan, tell me what's wrong. I won't let them put you in a crazy ward or anything. I promise. Now please just talk to me. Twitch. Do something. You're scaring me by being this way."   
  
Ryan still just sat there, not moving, barely breathing and blinking. There was no movement from him that gave any indication that he had heard a single thing that Brendon had whispered to him, or that Brendon was currently standing with his head on his shoulder, holding Ryan close, like he was the last link keeping Brendon on this earth.   
  
Brendon let go, turning and putting the coffee in the coffee maker, with water, and waiting for the coffee. It finally finished, Brendon putting the whole coffee pot onto a tray, adding the creamer he found in the pantry, and the sugar bowl with a spoon. Going into the cabinet, he grabbed out 5 coffee cups, adding them to the tray. He glanced at Ryan.   
  
Ryan was still sitting in the same position as earlier, not moving a single bit. He looked and acted more like a sculpture than a living, breathing boy. "Ry?" There was no response. Brendon picked him up, carrying him back upstairs. "He hasn't reacted to anything at all." Brendon said sadly, putting him down on the bean bag chair in the middle of the circle. He went back downstairs to get the tray, which he brought back up.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan sat there, shivering slightly in the middle of the circle. Jon cleared his throat, before saying, in such a soft voice it was nearly a whisper, "Ry? You okay?" Ryan didn't say anything, but looked up at Jon, tears welling up in his eyes. He blinked, trying to clear them away, but it didn't work. One silently slipped down his cheek, followed shortly by another. And another. And another.

Just then Brendon came up carrying the tray of coffee, and put it down in the middle of the group. To everyone's surprise, Ryan picked up a cup, a sipped at it lightly. Brendon exchanged smiles with Spencer. This was going somewhere. And somewhere good, it seemed. Brendon took his coffee, and sat down behind Ryan, on the bed.

"Ryan?" Spencer tried, hoping for some response. He got one. Ryan raised his eyes to lock onto Spencer's. "You're probably thinking that we're going to send you off to a crazy ward or a shrink or some shit like that. Correct me if I'm wrong." He hoped that he had taken the right route. It wouldn't help for Ryan to keep thinking that they were going to send him away at a time that he needed his friends the most. "Are you?" Ryan asked, voice quavering more than a little.

"That all depends on you." Jon finished. "W-What do you mean?" Ryan asked, starting to cry hard. Brendon reached forward, and squeezed Ryan's shoulder comfortingly. "Well, if you cut too deep, or one of those damn things get infected, yeah, we are going to have to take you to a hospital. If you try to kill yourself, same as we said. If you keep cutting, we're going to have to take you there, otherwise you might get sent there involuntarily. Trust me, not something your going to want happening." Spencer said.

"So you're pretty much going to send me away for anything, is that it?" Ryan asked, anger seeping into his voice. They were using his own health against him, as well as anything he said or did. "No, no, not anything. Just if you try to kill yourself, and have to get taken to the E.R. and they keep you there. Only other way we might take you anywhere is if anything goes too deep or gets infected, but we're only trying to save you, not send you away. And as far as the stop cutting or we take you to the hospital, I know it's not entirely fair." Spencer said.

"No shit, Sherlock." Ryan practically snarled at his friend. Yes, he did have a vicious side, no matter how sweet he seemed. When put into a precarious position, the fight or flight instinct kicks in. And since he couldn't do any flight, there was only fight left. "Hey, no need to get aggressive with him." Jon said, trying to break up the fight before it even started. "Oh yeah? Why's that?" Ryan said, rounding to Jon instead.

"As I said Ryan, I know it's not fair, because that's pretty much the only thing that keeps you going some days." Spencer said, slightly ruffled by the former's anger. This cause Ryan to freeze up, not expecting this kind of response from Spencer. "Y-You do?" He asked, scared that he might have thrown away his only chance to stay out of the crazy wards and off the pills. "Yep. And I know that you're scared, so that's why you're arguing with us. We don't blame you for it. Everyone loses their control every once in a while." Spencer said. Jon, Brendon, and Jeffree all nodded when Spencer said this. After all, it was true, and they wanted Ryan to know this.

None of them were angry with Ryan for his temper. They were actually expecting him to get defensive. In fact, they'd expected him to get extremely defensive, even aggressive, maybe even physical. But he didn't. Which was a welcome relief. Now all they needed was for him not to do anything stupid after this conversation was over. "Spence?" Ryan whispered.

"Yeah?" Spencer asked, looking at Ryan, wondering what he would say. "What were you saying about knowing it wasn't fair?" Ryan asked, gulping loudly, frightened. "Oh, yeah. As I was saying, I know it isn't completely fair to you to have to stop cutting, especially cold turkey. Judging by your arms, and probably the rest of your body, you seem to be cutting nearly a dozen times every day. That's why we're going to help you by offering this. We'll give you a month, and if you haven't gotten your cutting down to less than a half-dozen a day, we'll have to take some other action." Spencer said, trying to keep all threats out of his voice.

"Okay." Ryan said. "Oh yeah, and you might be subject to strip searches every once in a while." Jeffree tossed in. This lead Ryan to squeak, and ask, "What the hell?" Everyone excluding Ryan laughed a little, before Brendon said, "To make sure that nothing's getting infected or anything in the next few months." Ryan looked at all of them like they were crazy, before asking, "How long is that going to last?"

"Well, depends how long you keep cutting for. It's going to be at least 4 months, till you're down to less than 6 per day, then the next month, 3, then the next month, 1, then the month after that, not at all, but just to make sure you don't go back to it. " Spencer said with an apologetic shrug. "So you're saying if I somehow manage to get it to 1 or less times per day, in one month, then you'll only have to do that for two months?" Ryan asked hopefully. "Yeppers. Now follow me." Spencer said, getting up and walking out of the room. Ryan followed him wordlessly. Behind him, the three left behind had huge grins across their faces.

Spencer and Ryan returned 15 minutes later. “Well?” Jeffree asked, taking the initiative. “It's bad.” Spencer said with a sigh, resuming his seat. Ryan did the same, slightly shaken up. “How bad?” Jon asked, a worried look crossing his face.

“'M pretty much a walking ragdoll.” Ryan said. That ended the discussion. However, the look in Brendon's eyes was one of pure heartbreak. This had been going on for so long, and it had gotten this bad, yet he never knew anything about it. And here he was priding himself on being the one that was closest to Ryan.

“Anyone have anything else to say?” Spencer asked, looking around the room. Nobody said anything. “Well if you guys aren't homophobic, there's the guest bedroom, the couch and my bedroom.” He continued. “I call dibs on the couch!” the pink-haired transvestite yelled. Everyone stifled a laugh at this. They tried to keep the atmosphere easygoing in here.

“Guest bedroom.” Brendon said. “Same.” Ryan seconded. “So I have to be stuck with this thing?” Jon said, faking annoyance. “Yep. Gotta love me.” Spencer said with a cheeky grin. Jon rolled his eyes. Without further ado, they said their goodnights, and left for their respective sleeping areas for the night.

After the lights had gone out and they were both comfortably snuggled into the bed, when Brendon was moments away from falling asleep, he heard soft sobbing. “Ryro?” He asked, rolling over so he was facing Ryan's back. In the combination of moonlight and streetlight coming in through the window, he could see the frail boy's shoulders shuddering with near silent sobs.

“Ryan?” Brendon asked again, setting his hand gently on a shaking shoulder. Instantly, the other boy froze, body going tense. “Are you ok?”

Ryan rolled over. Now, Brendon could clearly see that Ryan had been crying for some time now. His eyes appeared sore and puffy already. Within a moment, Brendon pulled Ryan close, hugging him, and saying, “It's ok. It's ok. Just tell me what's wrong.” Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon sobbing freely into his shoulder, causing his shirt to grow a large damp patch within moments, that didn't show any sign of stopping its growth any time soon.

After another moment, Ryan choked out, “I-I didn't....expect it t-to get this far!” He wailed, hiccuping. He buried his face in his friend's shoulder again, holding on for dear life. “Shhhh. Didn't expect what to get this far?” Brendon asked, rubbing the other boy's back gently.

“T-the cutting.” Ryan whispered. “Why do you say that?” Brendon said, trying to keep his voice from sounding too harsh or condescending. “W-when it st-started, it was just...just something that happened every once in a while, ya know?” Ryan asked, blinking back a fresh wave of tears. Brendon nodded. With this confirmation, Ryan continued, “But then, then it started to get out of control. It just got too much. I would be cutting in school and everywhere and, and...”, trailing off into more sobs.

“But we'll help you. Why didn't you tell me before it got that bad Ry? You know I’m here for you.” Brendon said, feeling a bit sad that his best friend had never told him once in all these years. He hoped that his statements didn't sound too accusing. That was the last thing that he needed.

“I woulda Brendon, but it's just... It's just...”

“Too hard to confess to something like that?” Brendon offered. Ryan nodded. “I thought that you might hate me for it, or it would hurt you or something.”

“It hurts me to know that you do this, yeah, but I would never hate you for it.” Brendon said, brushing the hair out of Ryan's eyes. The ends of the hair had gotten slightly damp due to his tears. “Really?”

The other boy only nodded.

“Stay with me?” Ryan asked. He didn't want to be alone. Not at a time like this. “Get some sleep Ryro. I'll stay with you.” Brendon said, continuing to rub Ryan's back in slow, soothing circles.


	5. Chapter 5

  
The next morning, after breakfast and coffee, they guys all left on their separate ways home. Brendon had asked Ryan if he wanted him to walk him home. But Ryan had refused, sayng that he would be okay.   
  
The truth of the matter was, he didn't want anyone to be there to witness him break down. He pretended he was fine, walking down the street and to his apartment building. He entered his apartment, locking the door behind him. He walked into his bathroom, still acting okay.   
  
The moment he was inside the bathroom, however, everything changed.  
  
He locked the door behind him, sliding down the door, and pulling his legs up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them, slamming his head backwards against the door, and letting out a strangled combination of a sob and a hiccup. "Fuck it!" He hissed, sobbing again.   
  
The breath seemed to be catching in his throat, and the tears started to fall"They shouldn't have found out about it! They'll leave!" He whispered to himself, in between gasps.   
  
Half an hour later, Brendon felt the need to call Ryan. Taking out his cell, he punched in Ryan's number. Every time, it kept ringing until it went to voicemail. "Goddamit."

After not being able to get into contact with Ryan after quite a few attempted calls, Brendon finally gave up and called Spencer. "Spencer?"   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Have you heard anything from Ryan?"  
  
"No, why?" Spencer asked, putting down his book.   
  
"He's not answering, and I tried calling him a fuckload of times."  
  
"Are you sure he isn't busy, or sleeping, or maybe his phone died?" Spencer asked, his head tilted to one side slightly as if trying to listen better.  
  
"But that's the thing! When I was walking home with him, something was bothering him! Something was really fucking bothering him, but I couldn't find out what! He wouldn't fucking tell me!" Brendon practically yelled, hand going up and tangling itself into his hair in frustration.   
  
"Now I'm worried about him too, Brendon. When was the last time that you saw or spoke to him?"  
  
Glancing at the clock, Brendon replied, "3 hours ago."   
  
"Ah shit! Meet me over there, right now!"

 


	6. Chapter 6

Ryan couldn't take the shame of what had happened the night before. He had tried for years to hide his problems, and had gotten away with it. He had been ultra secretive, and no one had found out. But had had gotten sloppy recently. He'd grown complacent, thinking, 'they haven't caught me, not once in the many years I've been doing this'. He forgot that the reason that he didn't get caught was because he'd been paranoid, covering his tracks every step of the way.   
  
After he sank down and cried like crazy, for a good while, he got up. He unlocked the door, walking out of the bathroom. He had a strange feeling of being elated, as though his head and feet were no longer connected.   
  
A twisted, maniac grin spread across Ryan's face. No, he didn't have to live with the shame of them finding out. He could prevent them from taking him to a crazy ward. Everything he was doing, it could all get solved in a heartbeat.  
  
He walked into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall glass of cold water. He allowed the water to slosh over the top, before pulling it away. He didn't bother turning off the tap.   
  
As he was headed back to the bathroom, his phone began to ring. He ignored it. There was no one he wanted to talk to now. No one at all. He'd let everyone he cared for down. He had to suffer for this, and hopefully die for it too.   
  
In the bathroom, he picked up an eyeliner stick that he'd left on the countertop, screwing it so that most of the makeup was outside. Then, he stepped up to the mirror, and wrote in fairly large print, as to be as legible as possible,   
  
"Because I failed you all again"  
  
Then, he sent the spent eyeliner onto the counter. "It'll do." He whispered to himself. Then, he opened the medicine cabinet. Inside, a large bottle of sleeping pills. It was mostly full. Ryan set his glass onto the counter.   
  
Then, he picked up the bottle, prying off the top. He spilled the pills onto the counter, little red things that could almost be mistaken for advil.   
  
He couldn't help but smile. Advil was meat to take away your pain. These pills, which looked just like it, were going to take away his pain. He scooped up several in his hand, picking up the glass with the other. He nearly dropped it due to the condensation.   
  
There was still time to back out of this. Ryan's phone was ringing near continuously. Whoever it was, they wanted to get in contact with him, pretty fucking badly. He didn't care. He tossed the pills into his mouth, sloshing them down with water. Then, more pills, more water, and another handful of the tiny red things, before another couple gulps of water.  
  
But what if it wasn't enough? Ryan thought desperately. Even though he was already feeling a little tired, he didn't want to risk surviving this. He needed more.   
  
Desperately, he lunged for the still open cabinet. Rifling through it, he came up with a somewhat rusty straight razor, and a bottle of extra strength aspirin. He gave it a shake, and the pills rattled reassuringly inside. He yanked the top off it, pouring the pills into his mouth, swallowing them dry. He grimaced at the awful taste, but he didn't care. None of this would matter in a few minutes.   
  
Then, he grabbed up the razor, slashing open his wrist deeply. He could see the while meat, before the blood started bubbling up. Then, the pain came. He let out a whine, clutching his hand to his chest, falling to his knees, soaking himself in blood in the process.   
  
As he lay on the floor, his phone kept ringing, maddeningly. His vision began to grow dim around the edges. He knew he didn't have much time left. Then, he heard his front door slam open, like someone had kicked it down.   
  
"Ryan!" Brendon's frantic voice came, before everything went black.

Brendon and Spencer had shown up at Ryan's apartment. No matter how much they called out his name, or knocked, or called his phone, they received no reply. They shared a look, before Spencer slammed his shoulder into the door. After the second or third time, the flimsy door gave way, and slammed open.  
  
Spencer dashed in, followed by Brendon. They heard the faucet running. Rendon entered the kitchen. His hand still on the tap after turning it off, he heard Spencer scream his name.  
  
He dashed towards the sound of Spencer's voice, coming from the bedroom, or maybe the bathroom.  
  
"Brendon! Call 911!" Spencer yelled when the singer entered the bedroom.  
  
"Holy shit!" Brendon yelped upon seeing the sight in the bathroom. Spencer was on his knees, next to Ryan, his hands bloody. Ryan lay on the floor, unconscious and bleeding, surrounded by shards of glass and empty pill bottles.  
  
His hand fumbled his phone out of the pocket it resided in, dialing emergency services, before dropping to his knees, to help Spencer staunch the flow of blood.  
  
It rand twice, before a calm female voice said, "911, what is your emergency?"  
  
"He's bleeding, and I think he took something!" Brendon gasped out.  
  
"Do you know what he took?"  
  
"Spencer! What do the bottles say?"  
  
Spencer lunged towards the bottles, nearly letting them slide out of his grip, slick with blood. "Aspirin, and uh... some kind of sleeping aid, label's worn off." The drummer called out.  
  
"I'll send an ambulance right away. Is the victim conscious?"  
  
"No! He's out!"  
  
"Try to wake him up."  
  
"Holy shit, he's shaking!" Spencer yelled, as Ryan's body began to go into violent convulsions.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Brendon and Spencer spent several agonizing minutes shaking Ryan, but he wouldn't wake up, or stop convulsing. Finally, they heard sirens in the distance. It looks like the 911 operator had traced the call. They'd left the front door open, and could hear the sirens draw nearer.  
  
The noise seemed to stop moving right outside the apartment. Then, there was the sound of a stretcher drawing nearer, before the bumping noise it made as it crossed the threshold of the front door.  
  
"In here!" Brendon cried.  
  
"Bathroom!" A male's voice yelled.  
  
In the doorway, 2 large men and a stretcher appeared.  
  
Within several short moments, they had Ryan strapped onto the stretcher, and were asking for the bottles. Spencer handed them over wordlessly, his hands bloody.  
  
Spencer accompanied them in the back of the ambulance on the ride to the hospital. Brendon was left in the apartment. He could hear the sirens disappearing off to the hospital, carrying 2 of his best friends. He hoped that Ryan would stay alive tonight.  
  
But somehow, he knew it was too much to ask.

 

 

In the back of the ambulance, Spencer watched as the EMTs began to work on Ryan, giving him an IV and a shot of something, quizzing him the entire time.   
  
"How many pills were in the bottles?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
"How long was he unconscious?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Does he have any allergies?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why did you go to his house?"  
  
"He was at my house last night, and he was upset. This morning, Brendon tried calling him to find out if he was ok, and he didn't answer, so we got worried and went over there."  
  
"How long was it between the last time you heard from him and when you found him?"  
  
"Like 3 hours."  
  
Soon, they pulled up in front of the hospital.   
  
They took Ryan into the hospital. As he tried to follow, the driver stopped him. "Sorry kid, family only."  
  
Thinking quickly, Spencer said, "I'm his cousin. Closest family in the area."  
  
The driver gave him a dubious look.   
  
"His parents divorced when he was 5, dad got full custody, no visits to mom, hasn't see her since, and his dad died last year."  
  
The driver gave him a sympathetic nod and look, before saying, "Ok, follow me.", before walking into the hospital, Spencer in tow.


	8. Chapter 8

Back at the apartment, Brendon was fighting back tears. He had known that something was wrong that morning, no matter how much Ryan insisted that everything was A-OK. He should've listened to that feeling, and gone home with Ryan. Instead, he ignored It, and let the guitarist go home by himself. Now, he might die, and if he did, Brendon would feel like a murderer.  
  
Just because he didn't force Ryan into it didn't mean he didn't feel guilt, didn't feel like he didn't have a way of preventing it, no matter how much the rational part of his mind told him that there was no way of his knowing what Ryan might do, given the chance.  
  
Taking out his phone, Brendon called Jon.  
  
The bassist didn't answer, even after several tries. Finally, he left a message.  
  
"Jon, it's Brendon. I nee to talk to you. It's important. It's about Ryan. Call me back when you get this."  
  
Then, he went back in the apartment to clean up the mess. However, before he could do much more than soak a rag in hot water, he was interrupted by the arrival of the cops outside.

They pulled up with a squeal of tires, sirens blaring loudly.  
  
"God, what do they want?" Brendon mumbled.  
  
He heard a knock upon the door and he opened it to see them staring in his face.  
  
"Sir, who are you?" One cop asked him.  
  
"Uh, Brendon Urie." Brendon said, feeling suddenly self conscious.  
  
"Mr Urie, can you explain why you're here?"  
  
"Yeah, I came over."  
  
"Is this your house?"  
  
"No, it-"  
  
"Then whose is it?"  
  
"Ryan's."  
  
"You guys close?"  
  
"He's my best friend!"  
  
"Where's he now?"  
  
"The hospital?"  
  
"Aha." The cop who'd been quizzing him said, not beliving him.  
  
"Are you aware that the other residents in this building filed a complaint about a racket?"  
  
"It's because there was an-"  
  
"Yes or no, Mr. Urine."  
  
"Urie."  
  
"May I take a look around, Mr. Urie?" The second cop, who'd been silent til now asked.  
  
"It's a mess in the bathroom." Brendon said, feeling his mouth go dry.  
  
The second cop nodded, walking through the small apartment, before yelling, "Holy shit! We got a crime scene here!"  
  
"It's cause Ryan cut himself!"  
  
"This much blood? I doubt it." The second cop said.  
  
"Mr. Urine-" The first cop started.  
  
"Urie!"  
  
"Shut up! You are being placed under arrest, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law!"


End file.
